The Lens We See Through: How Our Perceptions Shape Our Relationships

John Valenzuela
Sep 25, 2024
4 min read

In our journey of exploring relationships, one of the most profound concepts is understanding how the lens we see our partner through can affect our judgments of them. Whether we’re aware of it or not, we each bring our own set of experiences, beliefs, and emotions to every interaction, and those factors color the way we see the people we love.

This week, let’s dive deeper into the idea of perception—how the way we see our partner shapes not only our judgments of them but also the overall dynamics of our relationship.

The Power of Perception: Seeing Through a Filter

Every one of us interprets the world through a unique set of lenses, which can be influenced by:

Past experiences: If we’ve been hurt or disappointed in the past, we might unconsciously expect the same from our current partner.
Family background: The relationships we observed growing up—whether healthy or toxic—can set expectations for how we think relationships should function.
Societal or cultural norms: Expectations from society or cultural beliefs can skew our understanding of what a “good partner” should be like, leading to unnecessary pressure or judgment.
Emotional state: How we feel in any given moment can cloud our perception. When we're stressed or anxious, we might be more likely to see our partner’s behavior in a negative light, even when they’re not doing anything wrong.

In relationships, we tend to project these filters onto our partners, which can alter the way we interpret their actions, words, and behaviors. This is why the same small act—like a missed text or a casual remark—can be seen as harmless by one person but hurtful by another. Our individual “lens” shapes the way we receive and respond to our partner’s behavior.

How Perception Can Lead to Judgment

Here’s where it gets tricky. When we don’t take a step back and recognize that we’re seeing through a particular filter, we can make judgments about our partner that may not be entirely fair or accurate.

Assumptions: Instead of asking for clarification, we assume we know what our partner meant or intended. For example, if you’re feeling insecure, you might assume your partner is being distant when they simply need alone time to recharge.
Overgeneralization: Sometimes, when we see a behavior we don’t like, we label our partner based on that single action— “They’re always so inconsiderate,” or “They never think about my needs”—even though it’s just one instance.
Confirmation bias: This is when we seek out evidence to confirm our existing beliefs about our partner. If you’ve convinced yourself that they don’t listen, you might only notice the moments when they’re distracted, rather than when they’re fully engaged in conversation.

How to Shift Your Perspective

So, how do we become more aware of the lens we’re using, and how can we shift it to see our partners more clearly and compassionately?

Self-reflection: Before jumping to conclusions, pause and ask yourself, “Am I reacting to the situation or to how I think the situation is?” Consider what’s influencing your perception in that moment. Are you tired, stressed, or projecting past experiences onto your partner?
Challenge your assumptions: We often take our thoughts as fact, but they’re just interpretations. Try to challenge the automatic assumptions you make about your partner. Instead of thinking, “They don’t care about me,” ask, “Could there be another explanation for their behavior?”
Communicate openly: When something feels off, ask your partner for their perspective instead of assuming the worst. Clear communication can help you both see the situation for what it is, without letting the emotional fog of past experiences get in the way.
Practice empathy: Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. When you view them with empathy and kindness, you’re more likely to see their behavior as human rather than as a personal affront.

The Positive Shift: Changing Your Lens

When we consciously work to shift our perspective, it doesn’t just benefit our partners—it transforms the entire relationship. Here’s how:

Less conflict: By seeing the situation more clearly, we’re less likely to react defensively or aggressively.
More compassion: When we remember that our partner is human and fallible (just like us), we naturally feel more patient and compassionate.
Deeper understanding: Viewing your partner through a clear, empathetic lens allows you to see the person behind the action. You’ll start to notice their intentions, fears, and vulnerabilities instead of just their mistakes.

By shifting the lens through which we see our partner, we can create a relationship based on understanding, not judgment. Instead of being quick to criticize, we learn to appreciate the full complexity of the person we’ve chosen to share our life with.

Final Thoughts: Relationships as Integrations

Often, our relationships serve as an integration, an opportunity for our emotional and psychological growth. When we’re willing to recognize and adjust the lens through which we see, we not only create more harmony with our partner, but we also experience a deeper, more compassionate understanding of ourselves.

As we move forward this month, we invite you to reflect on the following:

How do your past experiences or emotional states color the way you view your partner?
What assumptions or judgments can you let go of to see your partner in a clearer, more loving light?